How the f*$% did I survive?

This past month has given me a lot to reflect back on. As I write out my story and remember little pieces I either just forgot or suppressed, it left me in awe of myself. Really… like…how the fuck did I do it all? Physically… financially…. MENTALLY!!??

Part of me is really impressed! The other part of me feels sad and sorry. I had said long before my husband and I had kids that I was 10000% never going to be a stay at home mom. Please let me be very clear, there is NOTHING wrong with that path. It just wasn't mine. Jay and I grew up in two very different households, both extremely respectable. But I come from a divorced home and Jays parents are still married to this day. We are both very driven, independent individuals and as you know, I was extremely career oriented. Based on my upbringing, I knew at a young age that if I wanted anything of my own, I was going to need to work for it. And I also was never EVER going to allow myself to be at the mercy of another person, especially when it came to my finances.

That being said, when our daughter was born, I made it very clear I would still work. Ain’t no way I was giving up all that I had worked for in my career. Plenty of moms worked after having children and how hard could it be?! You sort of just assume you are going to have help. My mom retired a month before so we were very fortunate to have both sets of parents as a support system, but when it came to our son four years later, we didn’t have as much help. We were coming out of COVID bullshit, our parents health shifted a bit and we knew we couldn't rely solely on them like we did the first time around. Again, you go into assumption mode and sometimes things don’t go as excepted. I have to be honest, it definitely left me in a panic. Working full time with TWO kids now. It was a hard realization and with the financial goals we had, it was important to have two incomes. Our daughter had started school and we later opted for daycare on a part-time basis for the little guy. Daycare eventually became full-time and though it was sort of tight financially, it worked out. But then daycare became a headache. The provider had some little red flags and I was done with the way they treated my kids and me, so back to grandmas house we went.

Daycare definitely had the benefit of consistency and routine. With our parents helping, everyone has different schedules and appointments to work around and on top of it, my job was demanding and 90% field based across 5 counties (and then the last three years of my career it was 37 counties…but who’s counting?). My jobs were often high-stress and salaried which meant if I had to talk to my manager at 6pm, then I took the call. It meant my days could run longer, sending me to scramble to find help to pick up one kid or both. It meant keeping an extra two schedules for each kid on top of my own schedule for appointments, places to be, which grandparent had them, who picked them up if I had to work later…Severe mental overload…and now I want to throw up! Sometimes I do wonder if I put more stress on myself unnecessarily. Again, that feeling of having to do it all and making it all work out so I didn’t have to disrupt anyone else. Hmm… I’ma overthink about this part later.

My work was still more flexible than Jays. He has set hours and early start times, and 6 months out of the year I was double-time because of snow schedules (he works for the DOT). And I am not complaining at all. I am primary parent (still) because of my flexibility. Being a working parent regardless is difficult. The kids are so excited to see you when you get home and you have been burned out for the last 8-10 hours and now need to give these beautiful tiny humans attention they deserve. My husband works 12-16 hours during the winter 6-7 days a week. So it’s equally stressful and frustrating for him to not be able to spend ample time with the kids or feel like he has the energy to do so.

Our society/government/system (WHATEVER it is) is not really made to help parents in general, especially helping them transition from work to maternity/paternity leave and then back to working, but with children. I was able to take 8 weeks off with my daughter. Then there was a new family leave act implemented which allowed me almost 5 months off with my son. So financially, I had to go back to work after 8 weeks with my daughter or I wouldn’t have been paid at all. My husband didn’t had any benefits when our daughter was born because he was self-employed and then at the DOT he could take some time off, but again, paid leave isn’t full pay. I often feel guilty with all the time off from work I got with my son and how short of time I had with my daughter. I can admit that being a first-time parent had me wanting to escape a bit. It was hard for me. I probably had some slight undiagnosed postpartum stuff going on. It definitely wasn’t severe but I could feel depression and anxiety creep back in during this time and I should have sought out therapy, if I am being honest with all of you.

I remember reading an article about “your village” when my daughter was only a few weeks old. It is something I will never forget and it pretty much talked about the same type of thing I'm touching on here. Back “in the day”, we had villages. Women would come together and help each other with their children so mom could rest or go about her chores. Most Americans can’t afford to hire nanny’s. Some don’t live close enough to family. And there is an instilled guilt if you ask for help. The one thing I wish I could change when my daughter was born is asking for/accepting more help. And my unsolicited advice to any new parent, whether they are going back to work or not is to accept the help when it’s offered and ask for help if you need it. No one will think less of you. No one will feel like you are bothering them. People legitimately WANT to be there for you, especially when they can snuggle a new little bambino! My daughter was a challenging baby. She rarely slept during the day and cried a lot. The best answer doctors gave me was colic. I felt bad putting that on someone else. But it was maddening being a first time mom; not feeling like I could catch a break because her naps were 30 friggen minutes! You go from being completely selfish and only having to worry about yourself to having to care for this new life BUT they can’t express themselves other than cry (hunger, discomfort, tired, because they feel like it) and you are limited to the amount of solutions.

Now, on top of it all, let’s add, well, subtract actually, all of the sleep you are supposed to be getting to function as a baseline human. I just Googled “sleep deprivation torture history” and the top three search results are as follows:

Sleep is a Human Right, and It’s Deprivation is Torture (American Medical Association)

A Study of Sleep Deprivation as a Form of Torture (University of Maryland, Baltimore)

How the CIA tortured its detainees (The Guardian)

I settled on reading an article from Psychology Today. It goes on to say how important sleep is for everything on this planet because it’s a biological need. (I mean, duh, right?)But if deprived for a certain prolonged period of time, one could begin to experience mental and physical problems. The first signs/symptoms are fatigue (given!), irritability, and difficulties concentrating. When I was working, I attended a coalition meeting where the keynote speaker was from the Alzheimer’s Association. They went on to explain how women are more likely to develop the disease because of stress, hormone changes, and… sleep deprivation, which is a factor in accelerating the progression of the disease. My grandmother suffered from dementia so this does way heavy in the back of my mind for my mom and myself. All in all, not every baby is the same and not every mom is the same, but I am going to bet the farm that a large majority of women experience significant sleep deprivation, sometimes only getting 3-5 hours a day. And don’t get me started on cluster feeding, amirite?! So…yeah. How the fuck did I survive.

If you think about it, what the human body can endure and adapt to is pretty fascinating. And then you have exhibit A of what should be considered one of the wonders of the world… the WOMAN human body. She can grow another life within her, and deliver that human life in a way I still can’t comprehend. She can then feed that life with her own body all while getting less sleep and lets be honest, less nourishment at times. You put everything before yourself. Have to go to the bathroom? - hold it. Hungry? - so is baby. Tired? - too bad, your baby needs you. Now, having a good partner and support from family and friends makes this a hell of a lot easier but they can’t be there around the clock.

And now I’m crying! What the frig… Giving this whole experience a throw back has really surfaced some feelings for me I suppose. I vividly remember how allllll of this felt. And now that I am unemployed, the waking up to NONE of that feels like I won’t the lottery. I can’t be sure what I would do if I could go back in time. Would I quit my job or still work? I can’t say. I definitely know the things I would do differently and I can only hope my decision to work hasn’t left a scar on my children. I hope that they can see how hard mom and dad worked to make sure they had a better life than we did.

All I can say, is I am definitely trying to make up for it now.

To close the month out, I got laid off… and I couldn't be happier. I have had three job offers in the last few weeks that I have turned down. I am adamant at taking the summer off. There are beaches, and parks, and boats, and ice cream, and sleeping in, and leisure in our future. I intend to keep my promise and if it means unemployment and a few months of tight budgeting, then so be it.

Thanks for hanging out with me this month! Please feel free to email me or message me on my socials if you would like to touch on a specific topic!

See you next Tuesday : ) Love yous guys! xoxo