You Live, You Learn

You live, you learn

You love, you learn

You cry, you learn

You lose, you learn

You bleed, you learn

You scream, you learn

….You wait and see when the smoke clears

If you are a millennial, you might be familiar. Ah, the feeling when I got this CD for my birthday. It was 1996. Alanis was the shit. Probably a little too mature for a 9 year old, but whatever. I also drank Zima’s in random fields and did Screwdriver shotguns before school dances when in high school, and turned out just fine. It was the best of times… really.

Jokes aside, I look back on these lyrics now and they hold more truth than I would have ever imagined back then while reading the CD lyrics insert, trying to nail down the perfect lip sync.

Today, 30 years later (OMFGAWD… 30 YEARS??), working at my children’s school… it’s been unexpectedly emotional.

I was fortunate to be placed on a wonderful team supporting the 3rd/4th/5th grade kiddos, but predominately 4th grade. This means I get to see my daughter every day, even though I follow a different homeroom. I get to see my son a fair share in passing, also.

I knew this would be a new challenge for me for many reasons (hopefully you read my post ‘Good Mourning’). I knew the pace would be different for me. And to be honest, event after a month I am still adjusting to not having a looming cloud of micromanagement over my head. I still have this innate foreboding that every part of my day needs to be documented and to over explain my whereabouts and decisions. Also, financially, it is humbling. But I keep reminding myself that I am so rich in other intangible ways. Overall, I am extremely grateful and enjoying it. If I am nothing else, I am absolutely a chameleon… sales, insurance, stay-at-home-mom, special education…Not me adapting to ANOTHER new environment! * brushes shoulders off… each side…thrice*

What I did NOT realize is that I would be meeting my younger self along the way. This is one example in adulthood when the present has the audacity to crack open enough for the past to peek through. reLiving. reLearning.

Ugh, you guys. Talk about all the feels. Having to separate myself as an employee from a parent… brutal. There are days I nail it and then there are days I let my emotions lead. I am fortunate to have some amazing people I can confide in that help me along the way.

Story time - I was always super anxious before going to school. And once I got into the higher grades, I remember being dropped off and immediately getting a stomach ache sometimes. I know exactly what made me feel anxious in school. The tests. The kids that betrayed my trust. The self-consciousness about my appearance. And the unknown of what the day might bring. I cared SO MUCH of what others thought of me. So afraid to be myself at times. I am cringing as I write this.

When I see my children in the halls I worry how they are. If they are feeling upset about tests. If they feel betrayed by their “friends”. If they are insecure in any way. Or if it has just not been a great day. My son might be too young to experience some of this stuff now, but my daughter, in 4th grade… it’s all just beginning. And I am witnessing it, all while reliving it.

She struggles with Math. So did I. She also wants to make everyone proud and happy… this includes her teachers; so when she feels she didn’t do her best on a graded assignment, it shows. She goes inward. Retreats. Silences. I did too. And when I see this… I feel it. Deeply. More than anyone would ever know. And when I see this happen IN school, while I am working, that is when it’s the most difficult for me. And then there is something I need to understand…

It isn’t about me. This is not the same world I grew up in… which can be scary and reassuring all at the same time.

Despite the “scary”, what I do know is that both of my children are resilient. To like….everything. My son will confidently tell me when he didn’t do his best. Essentially, he tells on himself. And how could I be upset with his honesty? At the end of the day, he always fixes his oopsies. My daughter, my angel baby; she’s never a behavioral problem. For her, it’s academic and in the form of confidence. But she never carries it for too long. If she has a not-so-great moment, she does NOT let it take her entire day away from her. In fact, I think it is me who projects my own past experiences in these situations. Because I know the assignments and tests, I often ask how she felt during class. Her face tells me everything I need to know. But do I? Do I actually NEED to know? And in that moment - allowing any upset she’s already felt to come back to her again? Or place unnecessary doubt in her mind when it probably wasn’t even there to begin with.

We all know the answer. It’s no. I need to fucking calm down and allow her to handle everything on her own terms and be readily available if she needs to talk it out. I've lived. I’ve learned. And now it’s her turn. And she is doing exponentially better than I ever did. And is 1000% cooler than I ever was. And so much braver in ways I wasn’t allowed to be.

As parents, we want to protect our children from any pain we have experienced. Give them a better life in all the ways. Surface level, we sometimes have to allow them to undergo circumstances so they can build up their “thick skin”. And sometimes we have to zoom out and see the larger picture. We might be surprised by what we see.

My bird's-eye view has taught me a lot over this past month. I’ve had to really reflect and understand that I might be externalizing what I felt at my daughter’s age, on to her. Not my greatest mom-moment. But I am so damn proud of the woman I see developing before my eyes. And that’s my full circle… watching her navigate the world has made me realize something else I didn’t expect. Maybe I am doing something right?

And then I think of my own mother.

My mom worked at Empsall’s department store and eventually was promoted to a buyer. A woman with just a high school education, a keen sense of fashion, and an amazing work ethic. I am pretty sure in today’s world you need at minimum a 4 year college degree. I love hearing the stories of how she would fly to NYC several times a year and bring in new fashion lines to be sold. The excitement of walking down the streets of Manhattan from meeting to meeting. And then she had me. Put her career aside to raise a child. I mean, Empsalls ended up closing eventually. But still. Later, she had to return to the workforce and ended up working at… DRUM ROLL PLEASE.. my school. She retired from the school system after 20 years, just in time for my daughter to be born. And now, I wonder if she ever felt the same, watching me while I went about my days at school? I have never thought to ask her honestly. I guess this would make for a nice little update, wouldn't it?

SO much to unpack in this post. So much alignment. Realizing that maybe healing doesn’t always come from looking back, but from watching the next generation move forward.

I’ve read this post multiple times and really hope it touches down in ‘resonation land’ with most of you. It’s quite the new season of life for me. Still living, loving, crying, losing, bleeding, screaming and learning when the smoke clears.

Love yous guys! xoxo