Good Mourning
So, I got a job.
And though I am incredibly grateful, I was struggling because this is not how I envisioned things turning out. I really don’t know what I expected… I was just really in my feels. Deep introspection and big surrendering happening right now.
I spent the first week of work with nagging thoughts lingering in the back of my noggin; peeking through every time I had a free moment to myself. I was mourning what could have been- with my career in corporate, ideas that coulda-shoulda-woulda turned into something fabulous. I was mourning my old income and familiarity of the work environment. And most of all, mourning my freedom. I had just gotten used to NOT having a fixed schedule along with the most flexibility I had ever had. I had remained steady in my decision not to return to a high stress work sitch but it sort of left me questioning if I had made the right decision. The feeling of inadequacy grew with the newness of it all. But I was just being stupid.
Needless to say, week one was a little emotional. It took a lot of mental strength to stay off the spiral staircase. And also, adjusting to an actual work day again, phew! I. Was. Exhausted. (* insert Telenovela level drama here *). But instead of throwing myself down the staircase, I just felt the feels and allowed myself to go through the motions with grace and some sound advice. This is where I had to kick my gratitude into high gear, identify the positives, and zoom WAY out.
Grateful I found a job at the most perfect time. Unemployment was coming to an end. Grateful this job opportunity came with excellent health benefits for my family, saving us a lot of money overall each month. Grateful my schedule follows the schedule of my kids. No more scrambling for coverage at work or rescheduling things because of snow days or sick days. BONUS - built in paid vacation WEEKS! Grateful that when I leave work, work stays there. No after hour phone calls or emails. Grateful for low stress assignments. I am not in charge and that is perfectly ok! Grateful that there is no “busy season”. Work does not dictate my personal life in any way. Grateful for an amazing and supportive team that I can be myself around. Grateful for a desk! No more on-the-road bullshit and living out of my car everyday. I have access to a microwave and coffee pot… whhhhhaaaaat!! Another thing I am grateful for - not only does it not dictate my personal life, it doesn’t dictate my personal space. My home and car are no longer free storage units for a company who didn’t really give a shit about me as an employee in the first place.
And grateful I listened to my gut! When I look back over the last year, I did things exactly how I wanted to. Even when others (AND myself) doubted. I needed to remember this part <3
What have we learned here?? It is ok to miss the old. It is ok to remember what was. There is a lot I miss about my last job and some of the jobs beforehand. But I really had to learn that the old is where we were complacent. The old doesn’t measure our growth and how far we have come in our journey. Because the old me would have been so scared to be in this newness…afraid to mess up, afraid people wouldn’t like me, afraid to *gulp* fail. I like the new me and I like where my mindset is at. I love my energy! I am not so sure everyone else does, but whatevs. I refuse to be debilitated by the negative, and it’s taken me entirely too long to finally be done.
I delcare a good mourning. A total shedding of the old and a full surrender to the new. Whatever it looks like. Whatever it takes. Whatever the path. And unapologetically. I no longer wish to go round in an endless circle of worry; to be considered weak or inferior…to myself or others.
The coulda-shoulda-woulda ideas; they will come to fruition. My career in corporate dissolved for a reason and it doesn’t serve me to even consider the what might have been. I still have A LOT of free time and I need to understand how to utilize it more efficiently now. And I am not inadequate. I still do a fine job contributing to my household, in different and better ways these days. And I am beyond fortunate enough to have a supportive spouse who is cheering me on every step of the way.
So, I got a job! And it’s a good mourning.
See you next Tuesday : ) Love yous guys! xoxo